Self-Compassion

Becoming a compassionate person involves a three-fold progression. It begins with an experiential encounter with God’s compassion (1) that in turn empowers one to be compassionate toward oneself (2) and then overflows towards others (3). God, self, and then others—in that order—at least until compassion begins to flow in all three directions simultaneously and somewhat consistently.

I think the reason why so many people struggle to be compassionate towards others is because they’ve yet to receive God’s compassion for themselves. Sure, someone can try really hard to be compassionate. But without actually experiencing God’s compassion and allowing that compassion to get on the inside, even a person’s most noble efforts to be compassionate will fall noticeably short. In fact, the harder a person tries to be compassionate without receiving God’s compassion first the less compassionate they will actually become. No matter how hard we try to be compassionate, we still inevitably mess up. Despite my best efforts, I can still get agitated with my spouse, blow a fuse with my son, or speak harshly to a co-worker. And what often happens, apart from an experience of God’s compassion for me, is that I walk away beating myself up for becoming agitated, blowing a fuse, or speaking harshly. My harshness, short fuse, and agitation with others eventually turns inward on me. In short, the harder a person tries to be compassionate apart from experiencing God’s compassion the more their mistakes will fuel their lack of compassion toward themselves.

This is especially the case for compulsive overachievers and perfectionists. They hold themselves to such a high standard that the notion of self-compassion is almost a foreign concept. The combination of their high standards and lack of self-compassion often lead to feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. But compulsive overachievers and perfectionists rarely just have high standards for themselves. Their high standards are typically placed on others. Just as they often find themselves victims of their own expectations so also do those around them. Family and friends often feel the weight of these expectations. And if they adopt these expectations or submit to them, they too will start feeling inadequate and will become devoid of self-compassion.

We are all on a journey of compassion recovery. Whatever recovery I’ve made so far has taken place because I have experienced God’s overwhelming compassion for me. Perhaps nothing has been more important for me than simply setting aside time on a regular basis to soak up God’s loving compassion. This time often involves simply reflecting on God’s gift of salvation to me—that God sent Jesus to die for me so that I could be reconciled to him. When I contemplate God’s compassion and receive his love something begins to change within me. It changes the way I view myself. It also changes the way I relate to myself—especially when I screw up. When I make a mistake or mess up, while I might be tempted to start thinking self-condemning thoughts, I can allow God to meet me in my mistake by recalling his compassion and love for me. The act of recalling God’s compassion at a moment when I feel vulnerable is what provides me with the permission to extend compassion toward myself. I realize that God is not beating me up over my mistake so why should I beat me up? Recalling God’s compassion in my everyday life allows me to adjust unrealistic expectations and fail forward.

But being compassionate toward myself rarely stops with me. It has a ripple effect on those around me. If God extends compassion to me when I mess up, and I can receive that compassion and direct it toward myself, then certainly I can show compassion to others when they mess up. In fact, showing compassion to others when they screw up gives me an opportunity to point them back to the source of all compassion—God. When we witness other people make mistakes, we’re given an opportunity to enter their journey toward compassion recovery.