I Get It Now

We’ve all been there… 

You are out shopping, you’re at the grocery store or Target or any number of places.  All of a sudden, you hear that ear-shattering scream, that hair-splitting sound, that noise more horrible than fingernails on a chalkboard.  Sometimes it’s all the way across the store, like a tornado siren you can hear from miles away.  Sometimes it’s just a few aisles over.  The absolute worst, though, is when it’s right next to you or behind you or directly in front of you and you have nowhere to go.  I am talking about when you encounter a kid, in a public space, throwing an all out tantrum.  Few things are more obnoxious and irritating.     

Now, I used to totally not get it. 

I used to be the “dirty look” guy.  I think you know the type.  Your kid is in public throwing an absolute tantrum—on the floor, kicking and screaming, yelling and shouting, totally freaking out.  I was that guy who, in that moment, gave you the dirty look.  It’s the look that says a thousand things in a single expression, none of which are helpful.  “That’s really annoying and highly obnoxious.”  “What a burden it is for me to have to deal with your kid right now.”  “Children should be seen and not heard.”  “Good parents raise kids that don’t throw tantrums.”  “You should really get your child under control.”  “If that were my kid, I would…” 

Now that I am a parent, I’ve been the recipient of dirty looks.

My kids, like all others, throw tantrums.  The best (and by best, I really mean worst) is when both of them throw tantrums simultaneously!  Now, here is the thing about tantrums.  Kids don’t care where they throw them.  It’d be really nice if they only happened in the privacy of your own home.  But your kids are not going to afford you that kind of luxury.  In fact, often times, knowing the stakes are higher and the audience is bigger, they save their best tantrums for the public sphere.  And let me tell you, nothing is more embarrassing as a parent when it is your kid providing the show.  Every single time my kids have thrown a tantrum in public, I just want to crawl into a shell and hide. 

The other day is a case and point.

I was able to get home from work a little early.  As I pulled into the driveway I had mixed emotions.  I was excited to surprise Josie, but at the same time fearful because it was just after 4:00 in the afternoon.  The four to five o’clock window of time tends to be one of the peak hours for tantrums in our house.  This is mostly because of what we’ve come to refer to as post-nap terror syndrome or PNT for short.  This is when our boys wake up from their naps, but are still not fully functioning.  As a result, they tend to be ridiculously cranky.  It’s like the fog of fatigue makes them emotionally compromised and pretty much anything can lead to an all out meltdown—no matter how big or how small. 

So I pull into the garage, get out of the car, and I immediately regret my decision to come home early.  It was a breezy day and pretty much every window in our house was wide open.  Which meant, unfortunately, that pretty much the entire neighborhood could hear the tantrum going down in my house at that moment.  We are talking a tantrum with all the bells and whistles—yelling, screaming, kicking, pounding.  It sounded like someone was dying. 

For a moment, I contemplated getting back in the car and heading back to work, but determined that would get me into trouble.  So I started to walk toward the house.  And then, all of a sudden, things took a turn for the worse.  Out of my peripheral vision I noticed that my neighbors were sitting on their back patio grilling.  Not only that, but their patio just happens to be located right by the room where the tantrum was now bordering on hysteria.  In that moment all I wanted to do was crawl into a shell and hide out.  But hiding wasn’t an option.  So I put my head down and tried not to make eye contact.  But I only made it a few steps before I heard my neighbor’s voice – “Hey, Mac!”  I immediately froze, and then sheepishly looked up.  “Yeah?” I said nervously.  “There is a lot of noise coming from your house right now,” Vicki started.  “I know,” I said apologetically.  Then Bob chimed in, “Don’t feel bad about it, Mac.  We’ve been there.  Its just part of them growing up.”  All of my anxiety vanished instantly as we exchanged nods of understanding.  I made a joke about the terrible twos extending into the threes and fours and went inside…and immediately shut the windows. 

I used to not get it.  I used to be the dirty look guy.  But that was before I had kids.  Now the look I give is totally different.  It’s a knowing look.  It’s that look that says, “I’ve been there.  I know what it’s like.  Ignore the other guy over there giving you that judgmental, dirty look.  He doesn’t get it because he doesn’t have kids.  But I do.  And I want you to know that you’re a good mom.  You’re a good dad.  And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  This isn’t a reflection of you.  This is what every kid does.”

So here is my advice…

If you don’t have kids, stop giving dirty looks.  You don’t know what it’s like.  Parents don’t have complete control over their kids.  Kids have this thing called a free will.  And we parents are sorry, more than you will ever know, that they choose to exercise their free will in some really unfortunate ways. 

If you are a parent past the young kid stage, don’t forget what it was like.  Your kids were not always perfect little angels.  And if you think they were, you’ve simply forgotten or have a very selective memory.

Last, if you are a parent of young kids, try to ignore the dirty looks and embrace the compassionate ones.  It helps.