The Blame Game

A few weeks ago our youngest son fell off our bed. 

My response…I got mad and blamed Josie.

Now, to be fair, there is back-story here.  The exact same thing happened with our older son a couple years ago.  We had just arrived home from the hospital with our younger son Kier, he was just nine days old, and Tighe took a tumble off the bed.  To make a long story short, there were a lot of tears and we noticed that he wouldn’t put any weight on his leg.  After consulting with a friend who specialized in pediatric care, we took him to the ER, they did some X-rays, and discovered a small fracture.  For the next couple weeks we had to carry him everywhere!  I mean everywhere!  Which was near impossible for Josie given her post labor and delivery recovery.  I’ll spare you the details!  Needless to say, having a brand new baby and a toddler with a broken leg is not an enjoyable experience.  That’s right, contrary to the advice given by moms in their 50s with selective memory disorders, not every moment of parenting is to be enjoyed.  Some moments are just about survival!  So, in an effort to never, ever, have to experience a broken leg again, we I enacted a “No Kids on the Bed” policy.     

So there is this thing called a trigger…

A trigger is when something happens in the present that is similar to something in the past such that when you experience the thing in the present it activates the emotions attached to the thing in the past.  So you aren’t just experiencing what is happening in the moment, you are experiencing what is happening in the moment plus all the other stuff stored up from the past.  When my youngest son recently fell off the bed, it triggered the emotions I had stored up from when my older son fell off the bed.  And those emotions were far from positive.  That first accident made me feel anxious, out of control, guilty, and angry.  That’s what I stored up.  That’s also why I implemented the “No Kids on the Bed” policy.  It was implemented to decrease my anxiety and put me back in control—to ensure that I would never have to experience those emotions again. 

Back to a few weeks ago…I get home from work and Josie informs me that Kier fell off the bed and that he is refusing to put weight on his leg.  That was the trigger!  Now when people are pushed over the edge, they typically resort to one of two behaviors—neither of which is incredibly helpful.  They either totally lose it (fight) or retreat into silence (flight).  I typically put my fists up and get ready to rumble.  But in this scenario, knowing my awful tendency to fight, I went to the opposite extreme and initially got really quiet.  It didn’t last long.  Turns out, I was really just using silence to get my boxing gloves on just right.  Moments later I was grilling Josie with questions as to why Kier was on the bed in the first place, given my “No Kids on the Bed” policy, and how everything happened.  It was almost as if, in my state of total delusion, if I could just figure out how it happened, I could go back in time and prevent it from happening at all.  My questions were far from an innocent inquiry.  They were laced with accusation and intended to evoke guilt.  I was playing the blame game.  And it blew up in my face.  I repeat, it did not go well for me.    

Playing the blame game is never helpful.  And there are a number of reasons why:

1.  Blaming other people is like eating a cheeseburger from McDonalds. 

We blame because we think it is going to make us feel better, and maybe it does for a moment, but in the end, it brings about the exact opposite—deep regret, shame, and perhaps some heartburn.  In the moment, I honestly thought that if I could put the blame solely on Josie, if I could get her to own that this mistake was hers, it’d make me feel much better.  But the truth is that it just made me feel bad about myself.  Afterwards I felt like a bad husband.  Moreover, even if Josie did take the blame on herself, that wouldn’t change the fact that we had a kid with an owee-boo-boo.      

2.  Blaming other people isn’t sexy. 

Blaming other people isn’t attractive.  It doesn’t have an alluring affect on those around us.  In reality, it pushes other people away.  When we blame, we stand in judgment over others and point the finger.  And no one wants to be around a finger pointer.  When I started pointing the finger at Josie, I knew that, with each second that passed by, I was becoming increasingly less sexy.  I felt it.  I felt distance coming between us.  I was pushing her away.  See, what Josie really needed in that moment was encouragement and someone to free her from her own guilt—not someone to point her guilt out.  When I mess up, I typically am the first one to know it.  I don’t need others to point it out.  When we mess up, what we really need is someone to come underneath us – not stand over us – and say, “It’s okay.  Mistakes happen.  I’ve been there.” 

3.  Blaming other people boomerangs. 

Blaming boomerangs on at least two levels.  The first is that you have to own your blaming.  After I blamed Josie, I had to apologize for my behavior.  The second is that you have to own your part.  Blaming typically shifts the focus off you and onto the person, as if you didn’t contribute.  When I paused and considered my part, I realized that my reaction to this accident was rooted in my unrealistic expectation that I could be in control and completely prevent all future bed-related accidents.  The problem is that I am not in control.  And neither is Josie.  We have two boys who are curious, adventuresome, and like to climb—all three of which lead to accidents.  Failing to own my part (unrealistic expectation) prevented me from moving toward Josie in compassion. 

The blame game, of course, goes back to the very beginning. 

Adam blamed Eve.  Eve blamed the snake.  But everyone was at fault.

I think it is highly significant that the very first words out of God’s mouth after the first blame game is a foreshadow of the gospel.  God promises a day when the serpent would be crushed, when forgiveness would reign, when blaming would no longer be necessary.  See, the good news is that we don’t need to blame.  Our blame has been taken care of on the cross.  Memorize Romans 8:1 during your next car ride.  We are free from condemnation.  We are completely forgiven.  Peace is now available.  Freedom, forgiveness, and peace in the midst of mistakes, faults, and failures.  How great is that!  Drink deeply of those things.  Then you will be in a position to extend them to others, to move toward them in compassion and love. 

BTW, we took our son Kier to urgent care and it turned out to be a minor sprain.