Willing to Quit

This was the philosophy I was given growing up. 

The word “quit” was practically a swear word in my house.  You didn’t do it or talk about it.  We McCarthys never quit.  We never give up.  No, we stay the course.  We may not be the smartest or most talented, but we worked the hardest.  Growing up I would often be the first one to hockey practice and the last one to leave.  I lived by the axiom, “Do today whatever others don’t do so that you can do tomorrow what they can’t do.”  My favorite movie was Rocky.  I loved the “never give up” / “succeed despite all odds” storyline.   

I think it’s really important to learn the value of hard work and determination.  Quite frankly, I wouldn’t be who or where I am today without it.  There are times when perseverance is critically important.  There are moments when you just need to put your head down and press on.  Sometimes treating “quit” like a swearword is exactly what you need to do—like when marriage gets difficult or school gets overwhelming or you endure sleepless nights with a newborn.  You just need to press on.  Resilience, perseverance, determination are all noble traits. 

But let’s get honest.  This isn’t always the case. 

In some situations refusing to quit could be the worst thing you could possibly do.  Sometimes failing to quit can actually stunt your growth, like when you are stuck in a job that isn’t connected to your calling.  Sometimes failing to quit can actually be counterproductive, like when you stay put because you are scared of the unknown.  Sometimes failing to quit can prevent you from moving forward in life, like staying in a relationship when it isn’t a good fit.  If you don’t learn how to quit, you are going to stay stuck.   

The trick is discerning when to quit and when to stick with it. 

You simply will not be the person God wants you to be if you do not say YES and NO to the right things, if you don’t persevere and quit the right things.  If you want to be a great spouse, you have to quit work at a certain time.  If you want to be a great parent, you have to quit checking your email every other minute.  If you want to be physically fit, you have to quit eating donuts for breakfast.  Saying YES means saying NO.  Moving toward something means moving away from something.  Anytime you add something new, it usually means you’re letting something go.    

Quitting is part of life.  But it isn’t always easy.

This is why we shouldn’t always perceive quitting as a sign of weakness.  In some scenarios it is.  But in other scenarios it isn’t, it’s actually the exact opposite.  Sometimes quitting is a sign of strength, a reflection of courage.  See, it takes courage to recognize that something isn’t a good fit.  It takes courage to acknowledge that something isn’t working.  It takes courage to recognize when you are out of your depth.  It takes courage to say, “I am not operating out of my strengths here.”  It takes courage to leave what is comfortable to pursue something new and challenging—to say “yes” to the unknown.  

My wife Josie and I are in the process of a courageous quitting right now.

The back-story is that shortly after our youngest son Kier was born he started to refuse feedings.  To make a long story short, we ended up at Children’s Hospital where they did a number of invasive tests without finding anything definitive.  We were given a vague diagnosis of Failure to Thrive or FTT and brought him home with a feeding tube.  To this day feedings are still very challenging and he is hardly on the growth charts.  Perhaps the most frustrating part of all of this is that – in addition to prayer – we have literally tried everything to try to get him to eat.  I mean we’ve brought a “never give up” attitude to this problem and exhausted ourselves with unceasing, tireless effort—that is, until just a few weeks ago…

A couple weeks ago my sister was in town.  My sister is a therapist and often works with clients who struggle with various eating disorders.  Just before coming into town she just happened to hear a specialist speak on curing FTT.  This specialist suggested that sometimes the best way to help a child overcome FTT is to stop feeding them.  They may struggle quite a bit at first, maybe even lose some weight (which will be really scary because it doesn’t seem like they have any to lose), but over time they will identify their own appetite and learn to own eating.  As we listened to my sister explain this theory in detail, things started to click in place.  We sensed an invitation to move toward freedom—freedom from worrying and trying and failing.  But we also knew moving toward this kind of freedom would require courage because it would mean that we would need to stop trying (which neither of us are good at).  We would need to stop feeding long enough to give Kier an opportunity to do it on his own.       

I’ve been using the word “we” because Josie and I are in this together.  But the truth is that this is a much bigger deal for Josie.  The reality is that she is with Kier more and does most of his feedings.  This is her world, her reality day in and day out.  And I can’t even begin to explain how proud I am of her.  She’s stopped trying so hard and she is letting go.  It’s taking all of her courage and strength, but she is doing it.  We’re still in that scary stage—that stage where we aren’t certain things are going to work out and we often wonder if we should turn back.  Fear and anxiety get triggered when we watch a meal go by without seeing him take a bite.  In those moments, everything in us screams to start trying again, to pick up the spoon and start shoveling food into his mouth.  But as we have intentionally chosen to leave the spoon in the drawer – to endure the fear and anxiety – there have been small glimmers of hope, like the other night when we discovered he likes pizza.  We are breathing easier these days.        

Sometimes you need to persevere and push.

I actually think we need more of that in some key areas—marriage and parenting just to name two.  But there are other times when you just need to stop trying so hard.  You need to quit.  And it’s going to be scary.  It’s going to be totally uncomfortable.  It’s going to trigger fear and anxiety within you.  And it will require all of your strength and courage.  But the end result is freedom, being right where God wants you to be.