Expectation Management

Recently my wife Josie and I took our family to Florida.  Honestly, we went in expecting the worst.  We’ve gotten burned in the past.  We’ve used vacation time to get away only to return more exhausted, usually because of our kids.  Our kids get all crazy on vacation.  They don’t sleep well, get emotionally compromised, and then become actively disobedient (in that order).  For a while now, Josie and I have been careful to distinguish between trips and vacations (see previous post here).  In short, vacations just involve the two of us while trips include our kids.  So we went into Florida expecting all the tiring elements of a trip—travelling with the kids, sharing a bedroom with the kids, non-stop activity with the kids, etc.  But guess what…we ended up having an absolutely fantastic time!  In retrospect, some of this had to do with things going our way.  Our kids did great on the airplane.  We were able to exhaust them enough that they slept well at night.  But I think most of it had to do with right expectations.  We had set our expectations right, anticipating annoyances, and because of that we were able to take them in stride when they came.  Had we not set our expectations right, we very well could have spent most of our time fixated on frustrations.

All of this has gotten me thinking about the importance of expectations.

Expectations matter.  Most of us are driven by our expectations more than we realize.  Most of us project our expectations on others more than we realize.  And all of these expectations flying around really have a significant impact on our emotional well-being and satisfaction in life.    

Expectations typically come from one of two places... 

The first is from the outside. 

We all know this.  Other people have expectations for us.  And depending on how much of a people-pleaser you are, these expectations can easily set your life agenda.  Just think about it.  Your spouse has expectations of you and so do your kids.  Your employer has expectations of you and so do your neighbors.  Your extended family has expectations of you and so do your friends.  Sometimes total strangers can have expectations of you.  Just take a drive during rush hour!  The realization that you can never fully escape expectations can be quite frustrating.  And it’s understandable.  These expectations are imposed on you from the outside and they are totally outside of your control.  The only control you have is how you respond, how you negotiate these (sometimes competing) expectations (effectively or ineffectively).  So you have Yes-People and No-People.  Some people choose to say yes to expectations while others choose to say no.  There are pros and cons to either label, but it’s best to make choices case-by-case.  Depending on the situation, either yes or no may be the most appropriate response.  But please make no mistake about it…you will be negotiating expectations from the outside for the rest of your life—especially if you are married.  There’s simply no way around it. 

The second place expectations come from is the inside.

Some people dodge expectations from the outside by saying they don’t care what anyone else thinks.  I personally think they are lying.  Everyone cares what other people think, to some degree.  It’s either that or they are ridiculously narcissistic and lack empathy for other people.  Neither one, of course, is a good thing.  But listen, some people do care less about what others think than others do.  What I’ve noticed with these kinds of people is that they replace expectations from the outside with expectations from the inside.  In other words, some people may have a lower regard for the opinion of others, but then they place that with a really high opinion on what they think.  The expectations they live by, then, come from within.  They impose expectations on themselves.  And, if their expectations aren’t reasonable, they quickly become victims of their own expectations.  This is why many perfectionists are pessimists.  They set high expectations for themselves and others, and they are perpetually frustrated when they and others don’t meet them.  BTW, if you say you pursue excellence and not perfection, you are just a perfectionist in denial.  I know that because I was in denial for a long time.   

So how do we manage all of this—expectations from without and within?

Many people suggest we should just lower the bar.  If we just lower our expectations, then we won’t be perpetually frustrated or get majorly disappointed, right?  There may be some legitimacy to this strategy, especially for the perfectionist types who don’t know how to set realistic goals.  Lots of frustration could be reduced if we had more realistic expectations for ourselves and others.  Instead of expecting perfection, for example, it’s much more reasonable to expect imperfection because every single one of us makes mistakes.  This was our strategy for Florida.  We lowered the bar, reset our expectations, and it worked!  We had a great time and took annoyances in stride.  So there is something to be said about lowering the bar of perfection and embracing imperfection.  But I think there is an even better way.

It ultimately boils down to this simple question: What does Jesus expect of me?

His expectations, in the end, are the only ones that really matter.  Understanding this is actually at the heart of what it means to follow Jesus.  Following Jesus isn’t just about believing certain historical facts about Jesus.  Sure, you’ve got to do that, but it’s about giving your life to him, your entire life.  All of who you are, everything that occupies your time—every relationship, every priority, every responsibility, every commitment, every choice, it’s run past him and lived out for him.  No exceptions.  Living every area of life in submission to Jesus actually simplifies things quite a bit.  You’ll find that while other people’s expectations still matter, they don’t rule over you as much.  They don’t dictate your every move.  You’ll discover a newfound permission to say yes or no to various expectations without any guilt based on how you sense Jesus guiding you.  When you surrender your expectations to Jesus, you’ll find freedom from the outside.  You’ll also find freedom from the inside.  We are victims of our own expectations more than we realize.  When you surrender your expectations to Jesus, you’ll realize how much of your life was being driven by false, unrealistic, self-imposed expectations that Jesus never intended or designed.  You’ll start to have more grace for yourself, particularly your shortcomings and failures.  You’ll let things go more easily.

So try to develop right expectations as much as possible, especially when traveling with little kids.  But in the end, just remember that Jesus’ expectations are what matter most.