Dealing with Disappointment

Most people know that disappointment is part of life.

Life has a way of throwing curve balls—disappointment curve balls.  Life doesn’t always give you what you want or go according to plan.  The issue isn’t whether or not you will experience disappointment.  The issue is what you will do with it when you experience it.  Disappointment is inevitable and universal. 

There are, of course, varying degrees of disappointment. 

Some disappointments are trivial and superficial. 

My pants don’t fit the way they used to fit. 

That movie just wasted two hours of my life! 

The service was slow and the food was subpar.

Little things in life can disappoint us when they fail to meet our expectations.  But other disappoints are anything but trivial and superficial. 

I just lost my job and don’t know how I am going to provide for my family. 

Why can’t we have a baby when everyone else seems to be popping out kids like the Duggars?  We just had our third miscarriage in a row.  My best friend was just diagnosed with cancer. 

These kinds of disappointments leave you breathless and gasping for air, like getting punched in the gut.  Trivial disappointments are easy to shake off.  Sure, they are annoying and maybe cause a minor fog of depression.  But the haze generally clears quickly and we are able to move on.  Gut-punching disappointments, however, are an entirely different story.  The fog lingers.  Layers of haze can remain for months on end.  It’s not always easy to move on.    

It seems to me that the more severe a disappointment, the longer it takes for us to recover.  Not only that, but the more severe a disappointment, the more likely we will be to direct our disappointment at God.  We find we are not just disappointed with a situation, circumstance, or particular outcome.  We are disappointed with God’s involvement (or lack of involvement) as it pertains to that situation, circumstance, or particular outcome.  This can often be a shocking realization—to discover that underneath it all, you are ultimately disappointed with God.  

About a month ago Josie uncovered some disappointment with God. 

We were sitting on our couch talking after we had put our kids down to bed.  We were talking about Griffin, Down syndrome, and how his diagnosis is shaping us—our hopes, our dreams, our family. 

I love him so much.  And I am not disappointed with him.  But I don’t like his Down syndrome.  I’m mad at his Down syndrome.  I wish I could just take it away.  I wish God would just take it away.  I don’t get why he won’t.  I don’t get why he didn’t. 

What you do you mean, “Why he didn’t?”  I asked.

Mac, I specifically prayed through all the body parts before we even conceived. 

(Yes, my wife is a nurse).  I prayed that each part would be healthy.  And you know what?!?  I prayed against any ‘chromosomal abnormalities’ – I said those exact words, Mac.  “God, I pray against any chromosomal abnormalities.”  And here we are.  Chromosomal abnormality!  Trisomy 21!  What’s the point of even praying? 

So what do you do when you find you’re not just disappointed with the cards life has dealt, but you find yourself disappointed with God?  Unfortunately, there are no easy answers or quick-fix solutions as each situation and person is different.  But here are a few principles that help me.

1). Be Honest

Be honest with God.  God already knows you are disappointed.  He already knows you are upset and angry.  So just talk to him about it.  Tell him exactly what you are disappointed about and why.  Trust me, he can handle it.  God wants you as you are more than you pretending to be something you are not.  If you are frustrated, be honest.  If you are angry, be honest.  If you are sad, be honest.  If you are hurting, be honest.  Simply present yourself to God as you are, no hiding.  God’s not going to respond with anger or give you a slap on the wrist.  He loves you and cares for you.  He likely wants to meet you in your disappointment and bring encouragement and love and grace and goodness.  That’s who God is.  He already knows everything there is to know about you – the good, the bad, the ugly – and he loves you unconditionally.  He knows you better than you know yourself.  He loves you without boundaries.  So just be honest with him.

Often our impulse to defend God gets in the way of honesty. 

We see this in the book of Job.  While Job’s friends start out by being present to Job in his pain (what good friends ought to do), they don’t stay present long enough.  As soon as the customary time of grief passes, they start trying to fix and correct Job while defending God’s honor.  If you want to know what NOT to do when it comes to helping people in pain, just watch Job’s friends.  They do everything wrong.  And what’s really interesting is that at the end of the book, when God finally speaks, he’s not mad at Job!  He’s mad at Job’s friends! 

After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.”  – Job 42:7

The word “right” here carries the connotation of honesty.  It’s not that everything Job said about God was correct.  Just read the book.  Job said some nasty and accusatory stuff to God.  But the thing Job did right was speak honestly.  He was honest the entire time.  This is one of the primary lessons in the book of Job.  It’s also one of the primary lessons throughout the Psalms. 

Raw, real, ruthless, gritty honesty. 

That’s what God wants.  Without honesty, there’s no relationship.  You can’t have a real relationship with someone if one or both of you aren’t being real.  Being real with God is a prerequisite to having a real relationship with him.  And this requires honesty.  So be honest about your disappointments.  And allow others to do the same.      

2).  Acknowledge Your Ignorance

This is another lesson from the book of Job.

When God shows up to respond to Job, he doesn’t really answer his questions.  Instead, he drills Job with a bunch of questions that are totally beyond his insight. 

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?  Tell me, if you understand.  Who marked off its dimensions?  Surely you know!”  This kind of questioning goes on for the better part of two chapters until Job finally responds, “I am unworthy--how can I reply to you?”

God responds to Job by revealing his ignorance. 

This is significant because often we speak beyond what we actually know when it comes to disappointment.  We try to give the reason(s) as to why this or that has happened in life.  This tendency, as I’ve said before, often manifests itself most clearly in the clichés and platitudes we use to speak into tragic situations.  And the reason they never work is because they are entirely too simplistic. 

In some circles everything comes down to God’s will.

This leads to statements like God is in control or God has a wonderful plan.

Processing disappointment becomes all about accepting God’s good and perfect plan for your life—no matter how atrocious or heartbreaking your circumstances.  In other circles everything comes down to a faith or sin issue.  If things aren’t going well in your life, it’s because you either have unrepentant sin in your life that you need to turn from OR you just need to exercise more faith and overcome your doubt.  The problem with pointing to just one of these variables (or even all three of these together) as the reason for pain and suffering is that it is still too narrow in focus. 

When you read through the gospels, you’ll notice that there are all kinds of other variables that inform what’s happening in any particular situation or circumstance.  Other variables that could inform a situation beyond the three already mentioned include things like prayer, persistency in prayer, spiritual warfare, free-will choices, etc.  When you start putting all of these variables together, you’ll find a web of possibilities that make providing a definitive explanation near impossible.

This is why I find it best to just acknowledge ignorance.

We don’t know why any particular event happened the way it did.  I will never know exactly why my son Griffin was born with Down syndrome.  And that’s okay.

3).  Exercise Trust

The most challenging part of dealing with disappointment is trust.

How do I know that I can really trust God with ______ going on in my life—especially when my life situation makes God seem unreliable?  This is exactly what Josie was getting at during our conversation. 

Mac, I prayed for this and it didn't happen.

So what’s the point of praying?  How can I trust God to act on my behalf?

These are honest questions.  And we should welcome them.

Asking these kinds of honest questions not only requires honesty, but also forces us to continue in honesty as we search for satisfactory answers.  For Josie, she realized much of her prayer life revolved around trying to put a divine stamp on the future—praying against potential problematic situations in the future to prevent them from happening.  It’s not that this kind of prayer is without warrant.  There is certainly a place for praying against sickness, pain, and other negative outcomes that are contrary to God’s will.  But is this the primary purpose of prayer?  As we talked, my answer was no.  Again, there may be a place for that kind of prayer.  But it seems to me the foundation of prayer is to connect with God, to know God, and to participate in God’s mission—to bend toward God in our lives rather than to bend God toward us, to move toward God’s preferred future—not to move God toward our preferred future.    

The turning point in my conversation with Josie came when we both realized that God already answered her prayer concerning Griffin.  It’s not that God didn’t answer Josie’s prayer.  God has already answered Josie’s prayer.  He answered it before Josie ever prayed it.  One day God is going to make all things right.  Whatever is off in the world will be made right through Jesus.  And that includes Griffin and his chromosomal abnormalities.  That also includes you and me.  And that is the basis for exercising trust no matter what.