Family Rhythms

What’s the role of the church in helping children grow spiritually?

Some parents, it seems to me, underestimate the role of the church. 

They essentially treat children’s programming like free childcare.  Oh, I am so glad the church provides on-site babysitting so that I can enjoy the worship service free of distraction!  Isn’t it great that we get a free date night every Thursday night while our kids attend Awana?  I believe the church provides much more than free childcare.  The church can have a great impact on the lives of children.  The church can provide a safe place, an environment of love and acceptance, where children learn about the love of Jesus while being loved by caring adults…and so much more.  Treating children’s ministry like free childcare underestimates the impact the church can have on your child.    

Other parents, perhaps most, overestimate the role of the church. 

They place too much weight or emphasis on children’s programming when it comes to the spiritual development of their children.  If I just drop my kids off at children’s church each week, my kids will turn out great!  The church simply can’t give your children all they need to grow in just one hour a week, especially in homes that actively undo during the week what the church tried to build over the weekend.  The church can’t be the primary catalyst for your child’s spiritual growth.  It’s a mistake to treat it as such.

This is why church staff teams have been saying for a long time that parents are the primary spiritual developers of their children.  It’s the job of parents to nurture their child’s spiritual growth. 

It would seem that most parents don’t find much to quibble about here.

According to a study conducted by Barna, most parents with children under the age of 13 believe they are primarily responsible for engaging their children spiritually (96%).  In other words, most parents know it is their responsibility—not that of the church—to raise their children “in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).  The same study indicated, however, that despite this conviction the vast majority of parents do not spend any time during the week actually engaging their children in spiritual conversation or disciplines.  Instead, two out of three parents said they attend service at least once per month and often bring their children along.  That’s about as far as it goes. So notice the discrepancy.  On the one hand, parents know it is their responsibility to prioritize the spiritual development of their children.  But, on the other hand, they rely almost completely on the church to do it for them...in just one hour a month.

One has to ask: Is this predominately a motivational issue or an ability issue?

Is it the case that these parents know how to invest in the lives of their children, but are choosing not to do so because they are not motivated to do so?  OR, is it the case that these parents want to invest in the lives of their children spiritually, but don’t know how to do so?  Perhaps it’s a combination of both.  After all, you can’t give what you don’t have to give and you aren’t going to give what you don’t want to give.  The church can’t help parents who don’t want to invest in their children spiritually.  Plain and simple.  But a synergistic partnership between the church and parents is possible. In addition to supplementing work that is being done in the home, the church can also equip parents who are struggling in terms of ability—i.e. they want to invest in their children, but don’t know how to do so.

With this in mind, I’ve found that the best way to help prioritize the spiritual growth of my children is to simply create regular rhythms to attend to God with my kids.  If you just build these regular rhythms into your life together as a family, they will eventually become natural and comfortable.  At first, no doubt, they will require extra effort, and therefore feel burdensome.  But that’s how anything additional feels at first.  After a period of doing the additional work required, these rhythms will feel second-hand, part of the natural flow of your life together as a family.  Below are a few rhythms that typically happen each day in our home as a family.  Since these reflect my family and our current stage of life (3 boys under 5 years old), you will likely to have to take your specific context into account.

Chair Time

I am usually up before everyone else in our house.  I head down to the basement to spend time praying and reading the Bible in a big comfy chair.  When my boys wake up, their first trip is to join me downstairs.  We call this chair time.  They run down, climb up into the chair, and we spend a few moments together.  There is no specific format here.  Sometimes we sit and listen to raindrops on my headphones.  I tell them that raindrops remind us of God’s love.  Other times I will share something I just learned during my time with God.  Still other times I will let them determine what we talk about it.  Again, no template or formula here, but the core components of this time include reminding them that I love them, Jesus loves them, and today is a new adventure.  We always end this time and open up to the new day with prayer.    

Grace Time

Our next rhythm typically takes place around the breakfast table.

Once everyone is dressed and enjoying breakfast, we spend some time reading a children’s devotional book.  Right now we are using Grace for the Moment: 365 Devotions for Kids by Max Lucado.  The goal here is not to find the perfect kids devotional.  The value of having a devotional guide is that it gives you a platform for discussion each day.  The main thing I like about Grace for the Moment is that it has a section at the end of each day called “Growing in Grace” that typically involves some action on our part as a family.  This is our response to God’s grace at work in our lives.  The other day, for example, we hid our boy’s stuffed animals and they had to go find them around the house.  Once they found them, we reminded our boys that God searches and looks for them too.  So we call this breakfast time “grace time” because we encounter God’s good grace in our lives and then we respond to it during the day in some way.

God Watch

My wife Josie often does the grace exercise with our boys during the day.  But the next time we are all together as a family is at dinner.  I love this time.  I’ve found that our dinner table is where our boys learn conversational and relational skills.  We often go around and share our highs and lows from the day.  They are learning to reflect on their day, express themselves, and take turns sharing and listening.  Even my 3 year old knows how to collect everyone’s high and lows.  Sometimes we will go around and encourage or affirm each person.  Let’s name one thing we’ve noticed in each person that we want to affirm.  There are tons of ways to use this dinner table talk time.  The thing I’ve found to be most productive is what we call God Watch.  This is where we each go around and talk about one way we saw God at work during the day.  This is huge because the heart of discipleship is discerning what God is doing and then joining it.  And the context for discovering what God is doing is in our everyday lives.  For my boys, this will often start with some situation or event that happened that day.  Themes for young kids may include sharing, forgiveness, self-control, etc.  The other day, for example, my son Tighe said his God Watch was just thinking about God while he sat in the sun.  Helping your kids identify where God is at work in their life is perhaps the most important way you can nurture their spiritual growth.  

Bed Time

Typically we end the day by reading our kids a story from the Bible, praying over them, and singing a song.  We try to make this fun—not boring.  Our Bible stories and prayers often rhyme.  Our songs get goofy and I typically get reprimanded for “riling up the kids” while we are trying to get them to bed.  My last words to my kids each night affirm who God is and who they are.  Good night boys!  I love you.  And Jesus loves you perfect.    

Please note that these are just rhythms.

For me, the word rhythm assumes some level of flexibility.  If we miss a rhythm, (or maybe even all of them) one day, no big deal.  We don’t beat ourselves up.  The point isn’t the rhythms.  The point is that these rhythms help us attend to God in the context of our everyday lives.  And once you develop rhythms for your family and engage them consistently enough, you’ll find your kids will be the ones making sure you do them together.   

One final thought…

It’s also helpful to think through weekly rhythms AND who else to do these with.  So, for example, we often do bonfires on our driveway to be present in our neighborhood.  We often invite other friends and families to join us.  We also spend a lot of time walking in our neighborhood.  Same thing here.  These don't happen daily, but do happen consistently.  We’ve also found that these daily and weekly rhythms become more productive when you do them with others.  Who can you invite into your rhythms as a family to become a community on mission together?