Judgementalism is an extension of our relational self-centeredness. This is because most of--if not all of--the judgments we make are self-serving. We typically evaluate and judge others in such a way that makes us feel better about ourselves. Most of our judgments put us in a positive light and the other person in a negative light. This gives us a sense of superiority and, in a rather sick way, can make us feel good about ourselves. Thus, judgementalism becomes a means of getting life. We get life from feeling better than those around us. And the crazy thing is that we can do this in any area of our lives--our external appearance, our accomplishments, how smart we are, how successful we are, and so on. But the area our judgments prove to be most toxic is when we bring them into our friendships.
Judgementalism and friendship don't mix. They are like oil and water.
Nothing will corrode a friendship faster than a judgmental and critical spirit by one or both parties. This is because trying to get life through self-glorifying judgments stands in stark contrast to the self-sacrificial nature that ought to characterize genuine and loving friendships.
The above teaching is often met with resistance. Such resistance typically comes from two different types of people. The first is from those who are addicted to judgmental behavior as a means of getting life, and therefore, are unwilling to let their judgments go. The more one has relied on making judgments to get life and feel better about oneself the harder it will be to turn away from it. My advice to this first group of people is to start exploring what means to get life from Christ. Getting life from Jesus Christ is so much better than trying to get life from being better than others. The second group of people, in contrast to the first, tend to resist this teaching out of a genuine desire to maintain biblical standards. While this group of people recognize that judgmental behavior is categorized as sin and clearly forbidden in the Bible (Matt. 7:1-5; Rom. 2:1-4; Jas. 4:11-12...etc.), they struggle with the fact that God clearly calls us to distinguish between right and wrong and faithfully live in obedience to his moral standards (Jn. 7:17; 1 Cor. 2:15). This struggle is a good one--for the tension they have identified is a real one. My problem is not with addressing such a tension, my problem is with the conclusion that is often reached--namely, that Christians are called to be judgmental in the name of moral purity.
Satisfactory resolution can be brought to this tension concerning judgment when the difference between judgment and discernment is properly grasped. Whereas discernment focuses on the impact of an individual's actions or behavior, judgement concerns the the inherent worth and value of an individual. And every individual's inherent worth and value has already been established by the fact that Jesus died on their behalf. It is one thing to recognize that a person's behavior is having a negative impact on others. It is another thing to categorize a person as a jerk, idiot, or whatever because their behavior is having a negative impact on others. Judgment goes beyond discernment. And careful study of the above passages warrants such a distinction. All of the passages listed in an attempt support judgment as a means of distinguishing right and wrong, when studied in context, support the above definition of discernment.
So what does discernment look like in friendships?
There may be times when we need to confront another individual due to the negative impact their behavior is having on themselves or another human being. As a general rule of thumb, however, I would suggest that at least three variables need be in place to warrant such a confrontation. First, we must actually have a relationship with the person we will be confronting. Second, the person we are confronting must have invited us to speak into their lives. And, third, we must be willing to come underneath them and support them to help them overcome their destructive behavior. While there may be exceptions to this general rule of thumb, I know of no other alternative that places confrontation within the framework of support and care.
Resisting judgment and embracing discernment allows relational confrontation to be an extension of love.
No comments:
Post a Comment