Dealing with Difficult People

Can I kick him out of my home group?

This is a question I get asked every once in awhile from a frustrated home group leader. And usually their frustration is more than legitimate because they are dealing with a difficult person. And this difficult person is—either intentionally or unintentionally—threatening to sabotage their home group with their behavior. Most of you who have been in a home group know the type. They talk way too much and dominate the discussion. They are insensitive and overly forceful with their opinions. They go on long tangential rants that have nothing to do with the conversation at hand. And somehow they manage to eat all of the snacks despite their excessive talking—true multi-taskers!

Let’s be honest, dealing with someone like this week after week would even make someone like Mother Theresa want to kick the person out! But here is the question: Would kicking this person out be the right response?

I tend to think not. A conversation is definitely in order—maybe several. But kicking the person out is usually not the solution.

The fact of the matter is that all of us encounter difficult people in life. My guess is that you might have someone specific in mind right now. This person just drives you nuts! The truth is that difficult people are everywhere. They drive next to you on the freeway. They cut you off in line at the grocery store. They blow snow onto your driveway during the winter months. They sit right next to you during your weekly staff meeting. And in some cases, difficult people might even live with you—a roommate, a challenging teen, or a nagging spouse! There simply is no escaping difficult people. How often we encounter difficult people is not something we can control. But what we can control is how we respond and interact with them. Allow me to make a few suggestions.

#1 – Remember that you are someone else’s difficult person. Typically when we think about a difficult person everyone else comes to mind. Very rarely do we stop and think about how difficult we can be for others. When we fail to keep in mind our own faults, failures, and shortcomings we become arrogant and critical. Moreover, we don’t allow room for the faults, failures, and shortcomings of others. We become critical of everyone but ourselves. We see the speck in everyone else’s eye but fail to notice the giant log sticking out of our own. The first step in dealing with difficult people is to invert this tendency—to stay consciously aware of your own shortcomings within the context of God’s overwhelming grace so that you can in turn extend grace to others.

#2 – Remember that you are not omniscient. This might seem like a no-brainer, but we often lose sight of our own ignorance when it comes to our dealings with difficult people. The truth is that our perceptions of other people are limited at best. We will never know another person’s story fully—the variables that had a shaping influence on them. We will never know all of the challenges a person is currently up against—the pain, the struggles, and the difficulties they might be facing. And while this is not meant to take away a difficult person’s responsibility for their dysfunctional behavior, it should help us keep in mind that there is often more to the story than we know. I once knew a person that constantly tried to prove that he was better than everyone else. He always had to out-do those around him. And because of this, no one around him liked him much. But when I discovered that this individual was raised by parents that were never pleased with him no matter his effort or accomplishments, his behavior started to make a lot more sense to me and I began to feel overwhelming compassion for him. Keeping in mind our own ignorance when it comes to others allows us to deal more graciously with those who seem difficult.

#3 – Remember that each person is precious to God. We need to see people as God sees them. God values each and every person as someone that is not only created in his image, but also worth dying for. Often times when we are dealing with a difficult person we forget about how precious this person is to God and we lose sight of the divine mandate we have to love this person just as Jesus loves us. Striving to continually see other people from God’s perspective helps us see value and worth in difficult people that we would otherwise miss. And when we consistently see people from God’s point of view their value and worth far outweighs their weaknesses and faults. We start to see their true beauty and begin to authentically take delight in them.

Notice that none of the above suggestions involve confronting the difficult person. This is not because you shouldn’t ever confront a difficult person. Confrontation may actually be totally appropriate and more than necessary. But the point here today is that such a confrontation will look remarkably different if you keep in mind that you too are a difficult person, you are not omniscient, and the person you are dealing with is worth inestimable value to God. Dealing with a difficult person begins with you.