Getting Unstuck

Life is like a stream. It is constantly in motion. Always influx.

Nothing stays the same—at least not for very long. The variables that affect and define our lives are always changing. Just consider how much of your life has changed in the past five years. Five years ago I was still a student, lived in a tiny apartment outside of Chicago, and didn’t have any kids. I am now a pastor, own a house in Wisconsin, and have two boys—two years old and four weeks old respectively. There is no doubt that I am at a stage in life typically full of life-changing events (my late 20s), but the truth is that most people’s lives change rather substantially in five years time.

In five years time, most people are not in the same job. And even if they were, their responsibilities will have likely broadened—requiring the accruement of new skills and abilities. Most of their friendships will have undergone substantial change. While the same people may be involved, relationships with those people will have either deepened or swallowed out. New friends will have probably been discovered. Others will have drifted away. Their marriage will have shifted—either positively or negatively. Their relationship to their kids will most likely have changed dramatically. Their hobbies and interests will have been refined. You get the picture. Life is constantly in motion. Never stagnant. Always changing. That’s the truth.

But sometimes we have a hard time accepting this truth, don’t we? We often wish life would stay the same. We wish we could just discover the right formulas – the marriage formula, the parenting formula, the job formula, and so on. If we could just discover the right formulas and then apply them consistently, we could bring about the desired result—a more manageable, stress-free life. Of course, we all know this doesn’t work. There is no marriage formula. You are always changing and so is the person you married. There is no parenting formula. What worked when your kid was two won’t work when he’s four. And what worked with one kid may not even work with another. There is no job formula. Job descriptions change and expand. Relational dynamics at work change over time. Life would be a lot easier if it all came down to finding and applying the right formulas. But if this were the case, truth be told, we probably wouldn’t learn to depend on God much either.

Life has a tendency of shifting on us. And what happens when we don’t shift with it is that we get stuck. We end up relying on old formulas when we need to be developing and applying new ones. We use yesterday’s solutions for today’s problems. But it doesn’t work. In fact, it never works. The harder we try to make it work the more we get stuck.

There are actually two kinds of being stuck. The first is when you do the same thing over and over again expecting different results. This is what some psychologists refer to as insanity. The second is when you know a change is necessary, but you just aren’t certain what kind of changes need to be made—that is, the best way of moving forward. You will feel stuck in both scenarios, no doubt, but the former is much worse than the latter. Here’s why. It all comes down to perspective—what Carol Dweck calls mindset. Some people approach life from a fixed mindset. They think that who they are is relatively fixed and they can’t substantially improve upon or change who they are. As a result, when they find themselves stuck, they typically play the victim card and assume there is nothing they can do to improve their situation. “This is just the way things are” or “It is what it is and I just need to accept it” are common refrains that capture this viewpoint. And because this is the way they view things – “this is just the way things are” – they end up doing the same things over and over expecting different results or at least hoping things would change. Other people approach life from a growth mindset. They think that who they are is not fixed and that they can substantially improve upon who they are. As a result, when they find themselves stuck, they typically start to analyze what’s not working and begin to chart a way forward. They do not blame things on circumstance. They own what they can in an effort to move forward—even if the process of moving forward is slow and arduous.

And it is arduous. Getting unstuck requires hard work and effort. Investing in your marriage on a daily basis is hard work. Being an intentional parent is hard work. Adding consistent value at your place of employment is hard work. Pursuing God above all else is hard work. But that is ultimately what is required. Hard work. Let me close with two items of good news. The first is that God is present to each and every one of us each and every step of the way. He’s with us at all times. And rather than relying on some formula, he wants us to depend on him. The second is that God has an incredibly successful track record of getting people unstuck. You are never permanently stuck with God by your side.