Life Unresolved

A couple years ago the opener on my garage door stopped working.  It was the lighting feature that went out.  And then everything went downhill from there.  The door developed some kind of mood disorder.  It never had any problems opening.  The issue was closing.  I would press the button to close the door, the door would start going down, and then about half way down it would just stop and go right back up.  It was like an invisible cat kept triggering the safety feature!  #frustrating!  Now, this didn’t happen every time, but it’s like the door knew when to act up at the most inopportune times, kind of like kids at the grocery store.  The one morning I’d be really late for an appointment, the door would refuse to go down.  Then I’d have to sit in the driveway persistently pushing the button until I tricked the door into cooperation.  Eventually I’d get it to close and be on my way, but only after a panic attack.      

Recently I had my garage door fixed.   

The fact that I fixed my door is rather insignificant. 

What is significant, however, is that I waited two years to fix it. 

See, I am your typical type A, rely only on myself, control freak. 

As you can imagine, I hated group projects in school.  I hated having to rely on other group members to do their part.  So I used a whole lot of strategery to make sure I ended up in a group full of uber responsible people.  And if that didn’t work out, I just did all the work myself.  I know, boundary problems.  I am neat and organized, driven and disciplined.  I get ‘er done.  And I really don’t like when things are undone or unresolved or incomplete, in any way.  In fact, it kind of drives me nuts.  Hence, waiting two years to fix my garage door is totally unlike me.  When something is broken, I prefer to fix it.  And the sooner the better!  I do not wait.  I do not delay.  I do it right away.  But I chose not to fix my garage door for a reason—to stretch myself, really.    

I started to notice that my type A, get ‘er done, always follow through approach to life had significant drawbacks.  More specifically, I began to realize that it reflected a lack of trust in God.  Just like I had a hard time trusting group members with school projects, this same lack of trust carried over into my relationship with Jesus.  Instead of waiting on God when something was unresolved or incomplete or unsettled, I’d take things into my own hands and push toward a solution.  I’d end up trying to do all the work, as if God were an irresponsible group member assigned to me for a school project.  #trustissues!

Life unresolved is uncomfortable for me. 

My coping strategy for the longest time was remarkably simple.  I would just relieve what was making me uncomfortable by finding a solution as quickly as possible.  But this compulsive need to relieve my own discomfort by finding a fast solution was short-circuiting God’s transformative work in my life on a number of levels.  For example, it was robbing me of peace.  Having to do all the work myself was totally exhausting.  Trusting myself for all the right outcomes was wearing me out.  And to be honest, my “solutions” weren’t really all that great.  They often just led to more worry and anxious problem-solving activity.  It was also preventing me from seeing God show up in tangible ways.  Rushing toward a self-identified solution wasn’t allowing me to experience God coming through on my behalf in supernatural ways for the simple reason that I wasn’t waiting long enough.  How is God supposed to come through for me if I never give Him the chance? 

So I started to experiment with life unresolved. 

So far it’s just been baby steps.  Seriously, most of my steps thus far have been wobbly and unsure, teetering back and forth between self-reliance and trust, just like a toddler learning to walk.   But I am making progress.  I am learning how to pause and take a deep breath.  I am learning to wait on God and trust God for outcomes.  I am learning that the garage door doesn’t always need to be fixed—that some things in life are better left unfixed, that even when something does need to be fixed, it’s not solely on me to identify or implement the right solution. 

Leaning into the unresolved requires inner strength and resilience, the ability to suspend comfortability, and a deep trust in Jesus for the right outcomes.  It’s not easy, especially for us type A folks.  But it’s a better and freer place to live.

Embrace freedom.  Embrace trust.