Present, but not really

I’ve been told that raising kids is one of the busiest times of life.  Right now I am in the toddler stage.  We have two boys, a three-year-old and one-year-old.  Both of them demand constant and undivided attention.  But to be honest, I am really dreading the next stage, when they start extra-curricular activities.  At least right now we are anchored at home every night, which of course has its pros and cons.  But I see other families at the next stage and it looks really stressful—balancing work and sports and church activities, not to mention some kind of social life independent of your kids.  Yikes! 

The truth is that life is stressful whether you have kids or not. 

It’s busy and demanding.  The projections made decades ago that technology would simplify our lives and allow us to work less hours has totally backfired.  We are a culture that doesn’t know how to rest.  We strive to be productive and maximize every minute.  We busily move from activity to activity, from responsibility to responsibility, wishing there were more hours in the day.  And this fast paced, margin-less living, is taking its toll.  It’s taking its toll in many respects, but perhaps most important is our inability to be truly present to one another. 

When I am too busy, I have a hard time being present to those around me. 

I can be sitting at the dinner table with my family, but I am not really there.  I am thinking about that interaction I had with a co-worker that felt a little strained.  I can be playing with my boys in the basement, but I am not really there.  I am thinking about that unresolved issue and how I am going to fix it.  I can be taking a walk with my wife, but I am not really there.  I am thinking about all the things that I didn’t accomplish earlier in the day.  See, you can be with people, but not really be present to them.  You are with them physically, but your mind is somewhere else.  This is why two people being truly present to one another is such a gift.

Over the past several years I’ve learned how to detect when I am starting to get too busy and overextended.  The first clue is a subtle cloud of depression that sweeps over me.  I start feeling like a machine rather than a human being.  And this typically makes me want to find a happy place and suck my thumb.  My happy place is usually the pantry.  And instead of sucking my thumb, I eat things.  When I end up in the pantry eating things, it’s a good sign that something is off for me.  The other clue, and it’s the one I’ve already eluded to, is that I am not regularly gifting people with my undivided attention.  I am so absorbed with my own stuff that I am not really present with them.  That’s typically a good indicator that something is off for me.        

Finding rhythms that allow you to prioritize what’s most important in life is critical.  Because life is constantly in motion, always shifting and changing, that balance will never be perfect.  Balance in life is not a problem that can be solved once and for all.  It’s a tension that needs constant monitoring and management.  Here are a few ideas that help me find rhythm and balance.

Schedule what’s most important first.  I try to put my best energy toward what’s most important in life.  For me, that’s time for myself and for my family.  Prioritizing yourself is important because you are no good to anyone else when you are burnt out.  One implication here is that you have to know how to take care of yourself.  So, what rejuvenates you?  What refreshes you and gives back to you?  For me, it’s working out and reading.  I find time to do both every day.  I am a better husband, father, friend, pastor, and co-worker because of it.  Prioritizing family is also important.  I protect my family time and try to guard against invasive interruptions.  There are times when I am required to flex for this or that, but those are exceptions to the rule.  I covenanted my life to my wife.  I covenanted my life to my boys.  I want to be faithful to my covenant commitments.  That’s important to me.    

Manage your energy, not just your time.  Time is a commodity.  No doubt.  And you have to manage it well.  For me, that means I prioritize the most important things in my workday first.  Stephen Covey distinguished between four different kinds of tasks (see his urgent/important matrix).  Some things are important and urgent and I need to respond to them.  But I try to spend considerable time working on things that are important, but not urgent.  And I try to avoid working on unimportant things all together.  But it’s not just about time.  My ability to work on what is important depends on my energy.  If my energy is low, I don’t perform well.  The reality is that energy is just as important as time.  So I try to mange my energy well.  Monitoring energy, for me, means I get plenty of sleep, exercise regularly, and eat frequent healthy meals. 

Don’t get ahead of yourself.  This is my biggest problem.  I anticipate how things will go and it leads to a whole lot of worry and anxiety.  I can actually create stress that doesn’t exist.  I look at what I have to do and the amount of time I have to do it and then I get heart palpitations.  Worrying about not accomplishing something has never helped me.  In fact, I’ve learned that I often accomplish more than I thought I could with the amount of time I was working with.  Moreover, when I don’t get something done, I’ve learned that it’s not as bad as I anticipated.  Most stress I experience is just anticipation of the unknown and I tend to imagine the worst possible outcome.  #nothelpful    

Pay attention to transitions.  I’ve made the mistake of ignoring this one.  I’ll work all day, hustle to get out of the office, make a phone call on the way home, pull up to my house, end the conversation and walk in the door.  At that moment I couldn’t be more unprepared to interact with my wife and kids.  I’ve allowed myself no time to transition.  I simply am unable to go straight from being fully engaged in work to being fully engaged with my family.  I can’t do it.  I’ve learned that I need some transition time.  Every time I’ve ignored this, it’s hindered my ability to be present to my wife and kids.  So now, as much as I can, I try to give myself some margin, preferably before I get home, to transition out of work mode and prepare for full engagement at home.  Sometimes this is just a quick review of my day and a list of things for tomorrow before I pack up to leave the office.  Sometimes it is just listening to music on the way home in an effort to decompress.  Sometimes it a desperate prayer when I pull into the garage to give me patience and love. 

You can be busy, but not there.  You can be there, but not really present. 

I want to be present for what is most important in life. 

My wife.  My kids.  My friends. 

Live countercultural.  Be present.